Sometimes adult children become so absorbed in their new roles in helping Mom and Dad with decision making and concern about safety, they run ahead of their parents. It’s important to have parents help make the decisions.

 

We asked my father to consider staying with us. Nan (wife) has been very good about that. It was his decision. He doesn’t want to go through the winter here. But I also think he has gotten to be very comfortable where he is in California, and any change, I think, he would resist. I owe my sister big time for this.  -Vicente Concepcion, Jr. 

 

In my family, my youngest brother is taking care of my mother. We had actually tried to get my mother here, but due to immigration issues, we could not have her in North America. My brother once told me, please, please give me the responsibility and the privilege of being able to take care of my mother. I don’t think there’s really a particular preference in my family of who gives care, whether it’s a brother or a sister.  I think it has to do with who is capable of taking care of an aging parent. The advantage of my brother taking care of my mother is that he is a dentist, a very busy one, too. And the hospital where he works is very close to where he and my mother live. In the Philippines hired help doesn’t cost an arm and a leg like it would in the West. And so my mother has a maid just taking care of all her needs, giving medication, even if my brother is at work. My brother comes home for lunch to check on her blood pressure and everything, does it personally.  - Kalayaan Concepcion

 

Being the only children that live close to Paul and Marjorie has given us a lot more of the responsibility and the day-to-day care. One of the things we really appreciate about Phil’s brother and his wife, Ron and Ruth, are the support they have given us emotionally and in agreeing with what we think. We feel that when we make an observation or have something to say that we think is important, they’ll listen to us and encourage us. 

They’ve been very affirming in the fact that when we were feeling strongly that it would be good for Paul and Marjorie to move into assisted living, they said we’re letting them make the choice they make. If one of them falls, it’s not our fault because of that incident. They recognize that we were honoring what Paul and Marjorie wanted and so the consequences were Paul and Marjorie’s wishes, in a way. 

Ruth is a licensed counselor, so it’s been helpful for her to be able to talk to me, too, because she can help me deal with some of the challenges of being a caregiver. But the fact of the matter is, in spite of the support we feel from them, we’re the ones who have to do the day-to-day care, make the observations, make the suggestions, take the phone calls, sometimes two or three a day, because something’s not right.  - Susan Guengerich

 

These comments were taken from original interviews for the Embracing Aging documentary and have been paraphrased slightly for readability.